Playing the Wingman

“Oh jeeze!  DON’T look!”

“What?”

“Oh, man, That Person is coming this way.”

You and your friend look at the table, the lint on your sleeve, the ice in your glass, your cell phone.  Anywhere but up.

An arm lands on your shoulder.

“Heeeeeey, what are you folks up to tonight?” That Person says.

Do you:

A.    Smile and make nice, hoping That Person will find someone else to bother … SOON!

B.     Tell That Person that you and your friend are having a private discussion.

C.     Don’t say or do anything and hope That Person will go away

D.    Get up and leave

E. Tell That Person to get lost.

We’ve all had this experience at least once.  That Person is often a stranger, can be male or female, and usually isn’t life threatening.  So why is it that we don’t want to meet or even make eye contact with That Person?  Something about That Person makes us uncomfortable.  It’s an aura or scent or something that gives us a bad first impression and the following non-responsiveness to the social cues we’re giving (averted eyes, appearing busy with something, disinterest in the approach) and invasion of personal space further confirm the first impression.  Our response to That Person is determined by our personality and by our previous experiences with similar people and their reaction to our responses.

Are any of the responses wrong? What if That Person doesn’t leave and becomes increasingly obnoxious and invasive?  Is there a point where yelling becomes appropriate?  What about violence? 

As human beings, most of us do not like everybody.  Most of us learn that not everyone will like us.  We use our social skills to be polite and courteous, but we expect others to respect our boundaries and our preferences.  But what happens when these boundaries are crossed?  We have a right to defend our boundaries and ourselves to various degrees.

Going back to the situation, what if your friend, your “wingman,” disagrees with your response? What if your “wingman” sides with That Person?  We expect our friend to side with us, defend us, if necessary, run interference.  Goose to our Maverick, Sam to our Michael Weston, Butch to our Sundance, Ethel to our Lucy.  A good wingman can diffuse the situation, can prevent violence.  Knowing someone has our back makes us feel safe and confident.

Trust your dog's instinct about That Dog

Let’s replay the above scene, dog version.

You and your dog are out for a walk.  Your dog sees That Dog.  Your dog looks away, sniffs at the grass, sits and scratches itself.  The other dog hurries closer, wants to touch noses and sniff your dog’s butt.

The options are more complex this time.  Your dog is bound to you and cannot leave since it is on leash.  Does your dog:

A.   A. Slowly wag its tail and allow the other dog to come nose to nose, sniff butts … and hope the other dog will stop there and leave

B.     Stand stiffly and stare (possibly growl) at the other dog

C.     Stand still, look away, and refuse to interact

D.    Go behind you or as far away from the other dog as the leash will permit

E.     Bark, lunge, and snarl at the dog to prevent it from coming any closer

A dog’s response is similar to a human’s in that it’s based on personality and past experiences.  Did That Dog become increasingly invasive?  Did That Dog attack?  Most importantly, because the dog is restrained on a leash, what did the handler do?

As guardians for our dogs, we have an obligation to teach our dogs proper social skills.  But we also have a responsibility to have our dogs’ back when That Dog is ignoring the proper signals.  With the flight option gone, without our intervention, the last option available for a dog on leash is to fight. 

Ideally, we should be our dog’s “wingman,” scoping out the area for That Dog.  It’s hard to tell who it will be, but it’s usually an off-leash dog charging at your dog.  Despite what the human behind That Dog says, a rushing dog is NOT friendly.  It’s rude.  The approached dog can’t read the body language since it’s the “narrow part” that’s facing him.  A human stranger running towards me would make me nervous as well.  Any species running at another species is suspicious at the very least.  A dog’s response is normally to stand at high alert, ready to fight (since it’s on leash) just in case the rush turns bad.  As the “wingman,” we should step between the dogs and walk away.  If That Dog slows, lowers its head and walks alongside, then it’s up to your dog if the meet should continue.

Looking away, doing other behaviors such as sniffing the ground or and scratching are a dog’s way of saying I’m not interested.  There is no reason to allow another dog to sniff your dog if your dog is uncomfortable.  There is a reason why your dog is uncomfortable.  If sniffing starts, a polite sniff lasts no more than 1-2 seconds.  Any longer, and That Dog is violating your dog’s space.  Step between the dogs and move on.

Most people find that once their dogs can rely on their handlers to intervene on their behalf, they become less nervous about other dogs.    These dogs can become more relaxed and confident when other dogs approach them.

Finally, don’t let your dog be That Dog.  Teach your dog proper social skills.  If another dog looks away from your dog, teach your dog to come to you and respect the other dog’s disinterest.  If your dog is pulling and dragging you to go see another dog, don’t reward the behavior by allowing it to greet the other dog.  Teach him to play it cool (turn around, go the opposite direction, then try again more calmly).  Your dog doesn’t need to force itself to be “friends” with all other dogs.  A few select dog friends are fine.  In fact, your dog really doesn’t need to have any dog friends.  He’s got the best friend and wingman in the world:  You.