The Guilt of Good-bye

It's never easy saying, "Good-bye."

The price of sharing one’s life with dogs is knowing that their time with us is short.  Although dogs can live to 15 to 20 years, many dogs don’t make it to that point for a variety of reasons, some beyond our control.  When our dogs die, most of us expect to feel the grief of loss.  But some of us also carry an element of guilt with our grief, even if we strongly believe that we acted in our dogs’ best interest, the guilt never fades.

Early on in our lives, we learn about the responsibility that comes with bringing an animal into our home.  Whether a goldfish or a dog, we learn that our pets are completely dependent on us for food, water, shelter, and safety.  If we do not feed or give water to our animals, they die.  If we do not provide them with safety, they die.  Animals learn very quickly that it is only through us that they are able to live.   Unlike children, we never teach our animals to live independently of us.  In fact, we groom dependency.  And that is the basis of our relationship with our furry (and scaly) companions, we love them and promise to care for them, and they trust us.

With dogs, we spend the first year or so building trust with them, assuring our dogs that we will provide for them, not put them in danger, not harm them, and will assist them in times of need.  We then spend the rest of their lives together following through on that promise.  We train, play, and travel with our dogs. We become not only their source for basic life needs, but also for the finer parts of life:  fun, comfort, and companionship.  But that makes it all the more complicated when we reach The End.

When our animals die suddenly, we wonder what we could have done to prevent the untimely death.  Did we fail in our responsibility to them?  Did we exercise the right amount of caution?  Did we care for their health enough?  And then there are the times when they don’t die suddenly, when pain becomes unendurable or when happy or even comfortable moments become fewer and further in between, until they don’t come at all.  At this point, our dogs turn to us, trusting that we will help them once more.  But what if there is only one solution to ending the pain, to ending days of misery?  How do we decide if and when to bring about that end?

Our dogs do not have the luxury of choice.  They have a survival drive, something that compels them to fight for life.   We don’t know if they understand the concept of their own death.  Dogs do not have a concept of an afterlife.  They don’t know about the “Rainbow Bridge.”  Then again, when the body begins to shut down on its own and appetite declines, dogs don’t force themselves to eat. 

In a test done with laboratory rats, rats were put in pain and given the ability to self-administer morphine, which they did, but not to the point of being “stoned.”  That experiment suggests that given the choice, animals want to be pain free, something that seems fairly obvious but is also complicated when we can’t explain to them that the only relief from some pain is death.  Dogs live in the here and now, which is one of the traits that makes dogs so endearing, but makes our burden that much harder to bear.

Time spent together is always too short.

As humans, we’re sometimes forced to make a choice and a most difficult one.  Do we let our dogs, the ones who put their complete trust in us, continue to endure, knowing that at some point the end will come, perhaps over years, either quietly or with ever more intense pain, but it will come?  Or, do we provide the end to their pain and suffering as they’re asking, but in the only way possible and thereby betray their trust by killing them?  We can use the term “euthanasia,” but even with the kindest and best intentions, our hearts and conscience know that we are taking the life of someone we love, who trusted us to make things better.  There isn’t a right or wrong choice, only what our hearts and minds can bear.

I’ve had nine dogs in my life:  three were dogs with whom I grew up, six were dogs I acquired as an adult.  I’ve experienced the loss of seven of them. Not surprisingly, death does not get any easier with multiple passings.  I’ve learned to accept the hole each dog left behind in my heart.  What haunts me is the guilt.  With each dog’s passing, the questions that always lurk in my heart and conscience return: Did I make the right decision?  If I could have explained what the options were, if my dogs could understand, would they have chosen the same?  Unfortunately, I’ll never know the answers. 

However during their lifetimes, my dogs’ trust in me allowed them to forgive the times I violated their trust either by accident or necessity, the times I’ve tripped over them, yelled in a moment of frustration, or held them while the vet administered a vaccination.  So now I must place my trust in my dogs.  I must trust that if I made a decision that was wrong by them, they’d forgive me once more. It is my trust in their forgiveness that allows me to endure and to share the cycle of love and trust again.
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"Bad" Behavior: Ignore, Manage or Train

Naughty or nice?

The holiday season is here.  Guests arrive or we go out visiting.  We all want our dogs on their best behavior, but that’s not always possible.  Some of our dogs’ “bad” behaviors have always existed.  Some suddenly appear.  And some mysteriously reappear.

When analyzing a behavior, start from a dog’s perspective rather than our human interpretations.  It’s important to keep in mind that dogs don’t categorize their behavior as “good” or “bad.”  They just do what they do.  Most of what we consider “bad” behavior is survival, frustration, or boredom based.  Survival behaviors are often rooted in fear, but can also be food or “reproductive” (looking for a mate) based.   The severity and intensity of the behavior and the potential for harm to humans, other animals, property, or the dog itself should be seriously considered and help with the decision of how to proceed. 

There are three ways for humans to handle “bad” behavior.  We can ignore it, meaning we do nothing at all about it.  This usually means the unwanted behavior will continue unless the dog (or any being for that matter) loses interest in the behavior.  Managing a behavior means doing something to prevent the behavior from happening either by controlling the stimulus that creates the behavior or stopping the behavior before it starts.  Usually management requires some sort of physical intervention.  The behavior won’t appear so long as the management tool is in place; however, the behavior isn’t gone.  It will reoccur when the management tool is removed.  Finally, there is training.  Training is either teaching an appropriate behavior that is incompatible to the unwanted behavior or it is creating a different association to the stimulus of the behavior.  With training, the unwanted behavior can actually cease to exist.

We usually ignore certain behaviors because they are unseemly rather than annoying or dangerous and the behavior rarely happens.  A good example could be corpophagia (poop eating) of cat feces.  While it is disgusting, it isn’t harmful to anyone and if there isn’t a cat in the house, the frequency of the behavior doesn’t warrant the time and energy required to train a dog not to eat cat feces.  We can also “actively ignore” which is when we intentionally do not react or we leave a room when our dogs behave badly in order to gain our attention.  This is actually a form of training since it’s only done for a specific type of behavior and must be done consistently to get results.  I prefer to call it “attention withdrawal” rather than ignoring.  Ignoring means we might not like the behavior, but we don’t care if it repeats on the rare occasion. 

Crates, exercise pens, and child gates are excellent
management tools for a variety of behaviors.

Management is the most frequently used tool for “bad” behavior.  It generally renders immediate “results” because the behavior isn’t given the opportunity to manifest.  Management is putting a child lock on the cabinet door to prevent access to the garbage or putting the dog in a crate to keep it from rushing the front door when visitors arrive.  Forget to latch the child lock or put the dog in the crate, and the unwanted behavior happens. Because we don’t see the behavior, it’s easy to forget that the behavior still exists.  If the bad behavior is potentially dangerous, it’s important to go on to training.  Management should be used when the behavior is annoying, but not harmful and if the behavior happens infrequently.  It can also be put into place to prevent dogs from practicing or escalating bad behavior when they’re learning a replacement behavior.

Training is the only way to actually change an unwanted behavior.  It should be used when an unwanted behavior happens frequently, such as pulling on a leash during a walk, or when there’s a potential for danger, like running out of open doors.  Training is the most time and energy consuming method, requiring consistency and patience.  It can require varying levels of professional involvement.  But, training is worthwhile because it teaches our dogs what behavior we want and can change our dogs’ mindset.  With good training, we can expect our dogs to behave in an appropriate way in different surroundings and under a variety of conditions.  It’s long lasting, although new conditions might require a refresher on the training.  When dogs discover that doing the “right” behavior is more rewarding than doing the “bad” behavior, dogs have additional incentive to change.  They also learn what it is we want, rather than randomly choosing a new behavior.  When there is an emotional component to the bad behavior, training can also help the dog feel safe and content.

Some unwanted behaviors have physiological roots and require medical attention, especially if the “bad” behavior appears suddenly.  A visit to the vet can help eliminate any health issues that are influencing the behavior.  Vets and professional trainers can also work together when there is a mix of biological and behavioral issues, as in the case of separation anxiety or obsessive-compulsive behaviors.

Making sure our dogs’ biological and psychological needs are met can help diminish many unwanted behaviors.  Examining the behavior from the dogs’ perspective can provide insight and sometimes simple solutions.  If our dogs continue to behave in an unwanted manner, evaluating the safety and frequency of the behavior can help us create an appropriate plan of action.  By implementing the plan, we gain confidence in our dogs’ behavior and can once more enjoy their company.